


Sit, Stay, Heel

by Ad_Astra



Series: Being Commander Erwin is Suffering [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, Gen, fluffy Titan!Eren, platonic Levi Squad + Levi / Eren, request post, unintentional innuendos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-07
Updated: 2013-10-07
Packaged: 2017-12-28 17:21:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/994558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ad_Astra/pseuds/Ad_Astra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mike inhaled some potent Hanji-tested Vine brews specifically designed to make Titan!Eren more docile, which led to bizarre dog-like behaviour on his part. Of the people capable of keeping him in line, Hanji has to come up with a cure, Nanaba has to take over Mike’s duties, and Levi has conveniently left HQ to take Eren out on “special training” to discover other uses of his titan form. This leaves only Erwin. Naturally, hilarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sit, Stay, Heel

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by [rearmedic](http://rearmedic.tumblr.com) from tumblr.

> _Erwin, I have good and bad news for you. The bad news is, Mike had a head cold and wilfully exposed himself to an olfactory cocktail of unknown but extremely questionable substances from Hanji’s lab, subsequently causing him to hit his head on a tree branch during a routine exercise, which thus resulted to, for some nefarious, weird-as-fuck reason, his current preoccupation in behaving like an overgrown, bipedal hunting dog. Yes, you read that entire sentence right._
> 
> _The good news is, I don’t have to deal with this shit, because I just left for that special training mission my squad and I have planned for Eren. Which you authorized by the way._
> 
> _Have fun and don’t forget to clean up._
> 
>  
> 
> -  ** _Levi_**

**_*_ **

Erwin looks down at the missive on his desk with a deep and terrible sense of foreboding, accompanied by a liberal side helping of betrayal. From beyond the door of his office, he hears the tell-tale sounds of hasty footsteps, and mentally counts to three.

"Enter," he says, before Hanji can hit her head on the door again.

Hanji stumbles in, looking equal parts guilty and excited, and Erwin already feels a headache coming.

"Commander,” she starts, kicking the door closed without looking. “I can explain.”

It takes all of Erwin’s sense of professionalism not to fire back _I have nightmares that start this way_ , and simply looks expectantly into Hanji’s bespectacled eyes. “Then explain,” he says instead.

Hanji bravely ventures a few steps closer. “See, [ _mike had a head cold, and you know how he gets, he tries to find the most pungent smelling substances to cure it,_](http://snk-headcanons.tumblr.com/post/52735148767/headcanon-mike-doesnt-cope-well-with-colds-seasonal)” she begins, and stops just a few feet away from Erwin’s desk, as if pre-emptively forestalling the possibility of Erwin launching himself across the room to strangle her (a scenario he must confess to have considered more times than what is healthy) after hearing what she has to say. “And well, he happened to stumbled across the one that I’ve concocted for Eren, to make him more responsive to orders in his titan form. Apparently, he got high on the fumes, which resulted to him swinging headlong into a tree and well… all I have to say is, it could be worse. I mean, he could have had amnesia right?”

Erwin takes all of these statements with the grace of a man who has “deal with crazy, insubordinate maniacs” written in his daily checklist, and merely pinches the bridge of his nose. “Well, what is he doing?” he asks. “And the answer better not be “barking and biting at people” because I’d rather we not lose the few cadets we’ve manage to con into joining.”

“Oh no, nothing like that!” Hanji says, waving her hands reassuringly. “More like, he just bounds over to people and tries to make them play with him.”

Erwin feels his headache get worse. “What kind of play?”

Hanji walks over to Erwin’s window and points towards the yard. “Like, right now, he’s giving the girls piggy back rides,” she says. “See? Perfectly harmless.”

Piggy back rides. Erwin raises an eyebrow, before turning his seat around to look out the window. Immediately, he is greeted with the sight of Mike crouching in front of a bunch of female soldiers, arms in a scooping motion, waiting for his next playmate. Strangely enough, the girls are actually giggling and doing what seems to be a game of rock paper and scissors to determine who’s going next. It prompts Erwin to wonder what kind of trauma these girls had as children, seeing as they’re laughing and squealing over being addressed by an obvious lunatic.

The tiniest girl among the new recruits, a blonde named Krista Lenz, if Erwin remembers correctly, steps up demanding her turn, and Mike not only gives her a piggy back ride, but hoists her up on his shoulders, making Krista practically shriek with glee.

“Ymir, Ymir look at me! I’m a Titan!  Whoo!”

Erwin has to hide a smile at that. Well, at least this isn’t too bad. The girls seem to be having a genuinely nice time.

"Me next, me next!” A brunette girl in a ponytail says, trailing behind Mike as Mike breaks out into a jog.

He has to hand it to Mike; even when he’s behaving like a 2 meter basset hound, he still knows how to charm the ladies. Well, except for that tall, freckled girl, who’s glowering at Mike with enough force to strip iron. Oh well, Erwin can just count her as one of those rare breed of people in the rapidly diminishing sane sector of the scouting legion.

"I’m next after Sasha!”

 _Still,_ Erwin muses, smiling fondly. _It’s kind of cute._  Mike looks like a happy dad, horsing around with his teenage daughters, smiling like death and destruction isn’t happening in many other parts of their walled-in universe. 

"Hurry up, Krista, I want my turn to ride Squad Leader Mike!"

Erwin whirls around fast enough to give Levi’s signature move a run for its money. “Hanji,” he barks. “Get Mike in here. NOW.”

*

Erwin has just finished preparing himself some tea to calm his nerves when Hanji returns from her task with Nanaba, and a bewildered Mike sandwiched between them.

“That was fast,” Erwin comments, leaning back and taking a sip of his brew.

“The girls were very disappointed, sir,” Nanaba says with a wistful smile.  “They were really having fun. They didn’t want to give him up.”

“So I just told them the commander wants his turn,” Hanji says, and Erwin nearly chokes on his tea. “They were quick enough to give him up after that.”

Erwin delicately wipes his mouth with a napkin, and puts aside this blow to his dignity for now. Mike’s dignity, whatever’s left of it at least, is more important. Marginally.

Erwin leans back on his chair, and studies this alarming development. From here, Mike doesn’t look that much different, except for the fact that he’s looking around Erwin’s office like he’s never been here before, which is a very strange sight, considering how Mike has long since proven that there is no nook or cranny where Erwin can hide his confiscated liquor that Mike can’t find out via smell alone.

“So Mike,” Erwin starts kindly. “How are you feeling?”

Mike blinks at him, looks around the room as if to locate someone else named Mike, before pointing to himself.

Hmm, this is going to be a lot harder than he thought it would. Erwin turns to Hanji. “He can’t talk?”

“No, but at least he’s not barking!” Hanji replies brightly, and Erwin just  _knows_ the situation is truly dire, because Hanji’s resorting to responding to his questions about real-time bad scenarios with worse  _possible_  scenarios.

Gritting his teeth, he turns back to Mike. “Mike, I know you’re very sick right now, and the whole piggy back thing is entirely consensual but I just can’t have one of my best soldiers going around like a pack mule,” he says, syllables enunciated properly, in case the fumes knocked Mike’s comprehension skills askew too. “You know how things can get out of context around here, and I’d like to keep Daisley’s issue with ‘loose morals’ among soldiers concentrated on the Military police.”

Mike just stares at him sullenly, unmoving.

 "So… “ Erwin looks at Hanji helplessly, and Hanji just shrugs. “So, you’re going to have to stay put for now, because Nanaba has to take over your duties, seeing as you’re temporarily indisposed.”

Mike looks stumped for a moment, before grinning up at Erwin, and does some manner of sign language which involves pointing at Erwin, pumping both his fists on waist level, and pointing to himself. Erwin can only hope it doesn’t mean what he thinks it means.

“Mike, you’re making the wrong sign again,” Hanji reminds gently. “Play is the shaking Y hands, remember? I don’t think neither you nor Erwin want to do each other.”

Nanaba fails to suppress a snort in time, and turns away politely, shoulders shaking. Erwin bites the inside of his cheek to refrain from slamming his forehead on his desk. “No, Mike, I can’t… play with you,” he says, doing his level best to quell the mortification threatening to break his composure.  “I have things to do.”

Mike folds his arms and looks pointedly at Hanji.

“No, Hanji can’t play with you either; she has to find a cure.”

Mike looks uncomfortably close to throwing a temper tantrum, which is possibly the worst thing that can happen to Erwin at this point of time, short of a surprise titan ambush— the mental image of his biggest soldier kicking and screaming is not something that even Erwin’s impressive psychological fortitude is prepared for. He doesn’t say anything at first, and just looks back at Mike sternly, imposing his authority as a superior.

Mike doesn’t budge and just glares back. This standstill goes on for a few more moments, with Nanaba and Hanji glancing back and forth at them uneasily.

Erwin sighs. When in doubt, compromise.

“Okay, I’ll just finish my paperwork, and then I can accompany you back to play with the girls,” he appeases, and Mike seems to be mollified for a bit. “Okay?”

Mike nods vigorously.

Erwin breathes a sigh of relief. “Okay, now sit on the couch like a good do— person.”

Mike heads towards the couch with no fuss and sprawls his massive self all over the three-seater in a wildly inappropriate pose, but it’s better than leaving him standing awkwardly in the middle of the room like an out-of-place lamppost, so Erwin has to be grateful for small mercies.

He turns back to the two remaining soldiers, ready to dismiss them, when out of the corner of his eye, he sees Mike tilting his head, and looking expectantly at Erwin.

“What does he want now?” Erwin asks wearily.

“Reward for good behaviour,” Hanji says helpfully.

“You should pat him on the head,” Nanaba suggests.

 _You have got to be kidding me_ , Erwin thinks, but gets up and around his desk to give Mike’s head an experimental pat on the head just the same.

Mike just stares blankly at him for a few seconds. Erwin tries another tactic. “Good boy?”

Mike pounces.

*

It takes Nanaba and Hanji’s combined effort to pry Mike off Erwin, who is currently trying to determine whether or not he still has all vital organs intact - because trying to disentangle himself from overzealous!canine Mike is akin to wrestling with two blind cows who keep mistaking his hair for grass.

“He’s just overjoyed with your praise, Commander,” Nanaba says, pushing against Mike’s chest to act as a barrier between him and Erwin. “He means no harm, I assure you.”

No harm indeed, save for the fact that Erwin feels like he’s never going to breathe normally again _ever_. He nods, afraid to speak right away for fear of sounding like he sat on something sharp, and allows Hanji to steer him to his chair to recover his bearings.

Hanji frowns, tapping her chin. “I don’t understand why it’s this bad—I mean, the same substances resulted to Titan!Eren fetching tree trunks and building materials for Levi on command.”

Great, Levi gets an eager to please titan-puppy and Erwin gets a 196 centimetre giant of a man hell bent on crushing the air out of him. Still, it’s not becoming of a soldier of his stature to concede defeat and Erwin takes responsibility for his peers.

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll handle this.” Erwin says, even if the very words make him feel like he signed a waiver for his remaining sanity. “You are dismissed. Nanaba, take over the training modules for your squad. And Hanji, I need that cure. Or head cold medicine, I don’t particularly care which.”

They both throw him sympathetic looks. “Sir yes sir,” they both say, and quietly leave out the door.

The door closes ominously and Erwin turns back towards his comrade.

"What am I going to do with you.”

Mike just stares back at him. He looks completely unapologetic, and almost accusatory, as if Erwin disappointed him greatly by cooping him up in this stuffy office with no girls to haul on his shoulders.

Well, Mike’s going to have to deal with Erwin’s company, whether he likes it or not. This is as much punishment for Erwin as it is for Mike, so Erwin supposes it evens out.

"Sit,” Erwin orders, and to his utmost surprise, Mike actually obeys, and dumps himself back on the couch, though he still has that look on his face that suggests he’s just waiting for the right time to bolt out of there should Erwin make a wrong move. He looks around his room for something to preoccupy Mike with, passing over the miniature titan paperweight Hanji gave him, a set of scented candlesticks from Pixis, the broom and dustpan Levi insists in keeping in the room at all times, and finally, a box containing several contraband items he’s appropriated for immediate disposal.

He is not handing Mike a paperweight; Mike’s already a walking safety hazard as is. Same goes for the broom and dustpan—given the right force, they can serve as viable hand weapons (as Levi demonstrated one time, when he overheard a bunch of stuck-up military police recruits making fun of his OC habits). Scented candles are no good either—Mike might chew on them, and the last thing Erwin wants to deal with is a grown man behaving like a dog  _and_  suffering from indigestion.

Which leaves the evil box of contraband, and Erwin makes a little groan of despair, as he comes to grips with the lows he has sunk into. He opens the box, and the first thing his eyes land on is an inner district men’s magazine that Levi confiscated from Mike some time back, which, compared to the other things in there, is actually the most harmless item in the stash.  Erwin doesn’t dwell on the irony of handing it back as a containment measure to the same person he’s supposed to hide it from, and tosses it to Mike. 

Mike grabs it from mid-air easily. His eyes widen and he actually stays put, drinking in the provocative pictures like a man dying in the desert drinks water.  It somewhat comforts Erwin to know that whatever Mike’s many moral ambiguities are, one can’t deny that he’s at least consistent, no matter his state of mind.

Mike stays quiet. Erwin is actually quite surprised. Sure, Mike reading a risqué magazine without making any lewd comments is completely unnatural but Erwin can’t deny that this is a refreshing change of pace, which may never happen again.  Pleased, Erwin goes back to his paperwork, assured of Mike’s preoccupation, if not total obedience.

The arrangement lasts for approximately an hour, and it’s one of the most peaceful hours of Erwin’s life, until he looks up to see Mike heading over to his potted plant and promptly unzipping his pants in front of it.

Erwin practically vaults over his desk in a mad scramble to stop him.  “Not here, Mike,” he says, tugging Mike away. “The bathroom is just across the hall.”

He manages to zip up Mike’s fly, his right hand grasping Mike’s fingers tightly, as they do this complicated backwards tango towards the door into the hallway, and wow, this isn’t awkward at all.

Mike is looking longingly at Erwin’s plant, and Erwin has to summon all the strength in his body to manhandle Mike towards the proper urinals. “Mike, no. Stop pushing.”

Mike makes a whining, inhuman kind of noise, and shoves Erwin back, which is no joke, considering how incredibly strong Mike is, but Erwin manages to keep his balance and close the office door behind him.

He barely succeeds in pushing Mike into the door to the restrooms— he’s had easier time slaying Titans, that’s for sure, and then, with Mike glaring spitefully at him, it slips out.

“Bad dog!”

Mike stills, and gives Erwin a heartbroken look like Erwin just told him he’s contracted five strains of venereal disease and also that deodorants and brothels have been outlawed.

Erwin suddenly feels very guilty. “Oh… I didn’t mean…” he starts lamely, not knowing what else to say. Silence reigns supreme for a few more moments, as Erwin figures out a way to convey how sorry he is, but not sorry enough to allow Mike to use his office as a toilet.

The silence is suddenly interrupted by papers falling to the floor and he turns around to see more new recruits gaping at them: a short blond boy Erwin recognizes as Eren Jaeger’s close friend Armin Arlelt, and another boy who had gotten one of the top scores in 3DMG manoeuvring aptitude tests, Jean Kirstein.

Reflexively, he clears his throat and flashes them his most winning smile. Both boys just seem even more alarmed and that’s when Erwin remembers where his hands are.

Dammit Mike.

"Gentlemen” he says, delicately extracting his hands as he takes his time to fully turn towards them. “I assure you, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.”

Arlelt still looks terrified and justifiably so, while Kirstein is obviously uncomfortable. Erwin straightens up, with all the dignity a supreme leader getting caught with his hand on another soldier’s pants is allowed, and Mike, thank the heavens, stalks off to the bathroom on his own, metaphorical tail between his legs. Erwin fervently hopes Mike still knows the difference between the urinals and the sink, or Levi will be raining terror on all of them.

“As you know, Squad Leader Mike suffered a concussion,” he explains further. “As well as exposure to some of Squad Leader Hanji’s experiments, which, as you can see, led to this rather unorthodox behaviour.”

This of course doesn’t answer the obvious question of BUT WHY WERE YOU GRABBING HIS CROTCH SIR, practically marqueeing across their eyes, but 20+ years in the military service has given him loads of practice when it comes to selective responses, and Erwin’s not about to tell new recruits that his best hunter currently cannot tell the difference between a potted plant and a urinal. And so the commander of the scouting legion resorts to his favourite tactics: distraction and diversion.

“Kirstein,” he starts, making sure his voice is appropriately authoritative. “What’s the first thing you need to do after securing wild and unpredictable targets?”

Kirstein straightens up. “Make them more visible sir! Mark them with bright colours, for easy detection should they try to escape.”

“Good.” He turns towards the other boy. “Arlelt, do you have any ideas on how to keep pets occupied for a considerable length of time with minimal supervision?”

Armin looks simultaneously awed and startled to be addressed directly by the commander. “I suggest feeding them sir.”

“Excellent,” Erwin says. “Now, I need you boys to do me a favour: get me these things and report back to my office.”

“Sir, yes sir!”

Erwin watches them scamper off to do his bidding. Once they’re out of sight, Erwin takes a few deep breaths for courage and mental strength, and proceeds to enter the bathroom to look for his charge.

Only to see Mike attempting to leave via the window, his long torso halfway out. They’re on the third floor.

Erwin never really measured how fast he could actually move given the correct impetus, until that moment. He manages to grab both of Mike’s legs and haul him back, dragging him away from the window and a fate involving lots of broken bones, which Erwin cannot afford at such a crucial time.

Mike just renews his efforts to escape, and it takes Erwin’s reserves of adrenaline to yank him out completely and wrestle him to the floor.

“Just stay put!” he yells, and holds Mike’s arms over his head and pins him down. Mike still tries to throw him off, with thankfully diminished effort. He’s also glaring at Erwin hard enough to bore holes into walls, though really that’s the least of Erwin’s concerns—he’s barely able to restrain Mike as it is.

Dimly, it occurs to Erwin how utterly wrong this whole situation looks, what with his legs clamped around Mike’s waist to keep him still, and Mike trying to buck him off, and the fact that they’re on the floor of the public men’s room.

Of course, that’s when the bathroom door bursts open.

“Sir, we have the items you— oh.”

Erwin bitterly wishes that Levi is suffering just as indescribably in that special training.

*

 

Levi sneezes as he turns over the venison fillet he’s roasting.

"You okay, Sir?"

"I’m fine," Levi answers, and flattens the meat evenly across the grill. "Check the potatoes if they’re ready."

"Okay sir,” Erd says, and finishes tying off the last of their gathered firewood before walking towards Eren, who is currently lounging on the ground stomach down, looking very close to dozing off, thanks to the soothing repetitive motions of a giant pitchfork tipped with rubber stoppers Petra’s using to comb his hair. “Hey Eren, can you open your hands?"

Eren gives a grunt of assent, snapping out of the indolent haze Petra put him under. He opens his hands and steaming potatoes are in their wake, looking soft and smelling absolutely wonderful.

“They look about right now sir,” Erd says, taking a deep appreciative sniff. He produces a large fork from his pocket, and begins removing the potatoes one by one, placing them into a large bowl.

"Sir, the curtains and linens are already pressed,” Gunter calls out, from somewhere near Eren’s calf, which is draped with large leaves, for an effective makeshift ironing board.

“Good,” Levi says, as he spears the meat from the grill, inspects it, and places it carefully on a huge plate, where other strips of roasted deer meat is arranged. Beside it, Erd places the bowl of steamed potatoes and the wild mushroom and onion sauce he prepared earlier.

Levi turns back to the grill, inhaling the savoury fumes emanating from it. He is very pleased with his handiwork; wrapping the tenderloin and backstrap fillets in lemongrass and leaving them in Eren’s hands for an hour first before placing them on the grill for barbecuing produced evenly cooked meat, with the juices still sealed in. “Eren,” he calls out without looking at him. “You can spit out Auruo now.”

Eren makes a face and opens his mouth, and a miserable, sticky Auruo stumbles out, looking simultaneously sickened enough to throw up his breakfast all over the grass and livid enough to murder small animals.

“What are your findings, Auruo?” Levi asks, without looking up from his culinary task.

“I thought I died and went to hell,” Auruo replies with barely leashed rage, as he stomps over to the wagons for a change of clothes.

"Noted. Hear that, Eren? It seems like humans can survive the inside of a Titan’s mouth after all, assuming they just stay there," Levi says, and goes back to their picnic blanket to deliver the second to the last piece of tenderloin. “That four-eyes would be creaming herself over this data. Gunter, make sure to write this down.”

“Yes sir!”

“Sorry you had to do this, Eren,” Petra says apologetically. “Auruo must have tasted terrible.”

“Why the hell are you apologizingto _him_?” Auruo says, thunderstruck. “ _I’m_  the one who has to spend half an hour in that disgusting hell hole.”

“Don’t listen to him, Eren, you were great,” Petra says, ignoring Auruo in favour of tying a makeshift braid of Eren’s hair with a piece of hemp rope. “I’m so happy you’re in Captain Levi’s squad.”

Eren ducks his head, looking stupidly bashful and Petra nearly has a heart attack with how adorable it is. Levi personally thinks it makes Eren look utterly demented, but he supposes it does lend Eren’s titan face a soft touch.

“Are you fucking kidding me,” Auruo spits out, less from distaste, and more from the indisputable fact that the sight of a shy titan is threatening the very fabric of reality he’s known all his life.

“Not that I’m not grateful sir,” Gunter says as he walks over and unloads three hampers of linens in the wagon, all freshly pressed at top speed thanks to Eren’s ridiculous body heat.  “But did Commander Erwin really authorize this day off?”

“Who said this is a day off?” Levi says, and dumps the last of the venison in the overflowing plate. “This is an official scientific endeavour aiming to measure the extent of Eren’s non-combat abilities.”

“Well, it’s a very delicious scientific endeavour,” Erd says, looking longingly at the feast in front of them.  “Even if Eren technically just laid down and did nothing.”

“Don’t get used to it, Erwin will catch on eventually. That goes for you too, Eren,” Levi warns, as he takes off his apron and grabs a couple of blades, to cut the boy out.

Never in Levi’s life as a soldier had he ever imagined he’d be commandeering a titan in his personal squad, and bearing sole responsibility for it. After being in the practice of cutting them down for so long, having to train and protect one is something he really doesn’t think he can get used to, because it’s been so ingrained in him that any empathy for these killers is automatically detrimental to everything he’s believed all his life.

But then again, Eren Jaeger is a special case. He’s not the brightest kid and he could definitely use some anger management classes, but he has a lot of other qualities favourable to Levi’s eyes, among which include unbreakable strength of will, an extremely high pain threshold, no fear of death, and  most of all, as just recently discovered…

A penchant for  _domestication._

 _Captain Levi, keeper of the world’s only domesticated Titan,_ Levi thinks with a smirk, as he leaps up and sinks his blades into Eren’s nape, watching the rest of his squad happily gathering around their picnic blanket.

He could definitely get used to that.

*

Hanji was able to concoct a cure by the time afternoon rolls around, and right in time too, because Erwin’s about to enter a state of desperation deep enough to seriously consider taking Mike out with a tranquilizer and locking him up in Eren Jaeger’s dungeon room.

"Hanji, I thought we were friends,” Mike says, looking absolutely devastated. “How could you do this to me?"

“Hey, I never told you to go to my lab and stuff your nose with fumes,” Hanji retorts. “You did that on your own.”

Mike looks confused for a moment. “What?”

“The brews? Which caused you to run around bothering people like a 2 meter puppy?”

“That? Fuck no, I don’t care about that,” Mike says, and makes a sweeping gesture towards the pile of clothes he just changed out of.  “I’m talking about you letting me walk around HQ wearing those ugly neon orange breeches all this time. And that god-awful lime green bolero. Where did you get that garbage anyway?”

“Jean Kirstein, I think. Besides, it’s for practical purposes. So we can easily spot you if you vacate the premises,” Hanji replies. “Also you tried to pee on Erwin’s decorative office plants. I don’t think prison pants should be your biggest worry right now.”

Mike opens his mouth to reply, and promptly shuts it when several of the new female recruits run to his side and beam up at him.

“We had a lot of fun earlier, Sir!” a brunette in a ponytail says happily.

“Can we do it again?” a tiny blonde girl asks, looking hopeful. “I love how high I can go with you!”

“You’re so big, I’m in awe,” a third one says excitedly.                               

Mike flashes them his most brilliant smile, while simultaneously yanking Hanji by the arm and quickening his pace. “Will get back to you on that, kiddos,” he says jovially, and summarily drags Hanji into the direction Erwin’s office.

*

“Please don’t tell me I did anything inappropriate with those girls,” Mike hisses, as soon as the door swings shut.  “Or else I’m resigning right now, before someone accuses me of being a sex offender.”

“Of course not; if you did, I would’ve already shot you,” Erwin answers mildly, not looking up from the papers he’s studying. “You just gave them piggy back rides.”

“Piggy back rides.” Mike repeats, as if turning over the words in his head and judging its place in his internal classification of acceptable manly behaviour.

“It was cute,” Hanji says earnestly. “Very paternal of you.”

Mike gasps and holds a fist over his heart, looking thoroughly affronted. “Hanji!” he says, glaring a little. “What did I tell you about the p-word?”

“What _, paternal_?” Hanji rolls her eyes. “You make it sound like it’s a swear word.”

“Swear words are harmless,” Mike retorts. “Paternity scares cause stress, paranoia and an unnatural aversion to sex for prolonged periods.”

“Whatever. Erwin took responsibility for you, and kept your crazy dog hours confined to this floor, so you’d better thank him,” Hanji says, just as Levi walks into the room to no doubt inflict his daily quota of sass upon all of them.

Erwin finally looks up from his papers and peers at Levi from behind his reading glasses. "I see you took your time with Eren’s special training," he starts dryly.

"I see you’ve managed to cure Mike of his canine illness,” Levi fires back coolly. “Any improvements?”

Erwin fights the urge to roll his eyes. “Of course there—”

“I still can’t believe you let me walk around in public dressed like a 2 meter carrot!”

“ _I’m_   _sorry_ okay, it wasn’t my idea!”

Erwin turns back towards Levi and clears his throat. “So, how did your training go?”

Levi smirks. “Productive, and uneventful.”

Erwin raises an eyebrow. “Really.”

Levi shrugs and points at the door with his thumb. “If you don’t believe me, you’re welcome to ask them yourself. They’re right outside.”

“I think I will,” Erwin says, and marches out the door, leaving behind a bickering Mike and Hanji in his office, Levi following after him.

“Hello Eren,” Erwin says, laying a friendly hand on the shoulder of the boy currently holding humanity’s hope in his hands. Eren turns around looking surprised, and Erwin smiles encouragingly. “How did your training go?”

Eren grins eagerly. “It went very well Sir! I can control my body better. In fact, Captain Levi said I’m multi-functional!” he exclaims, as if it’s the highest praise on earth.

“By that I meant that Eren has enough control of himself to use his body for the non-combat needs of the legion,” Levi explains, before Erwin can come up with his own bizarre conclusions to that statement.

“I see,” Erwin says, not seeing at all. He turns to the rest of Levi’s squad. “How about you guys?”

"The first part was a bit tiring, and repetitive, but the juice is well worth the squeeze!" Erd says.

“Eren’s body heat is the best thing ever,” Petra says dreamily.

“We got fine wood today, commander,” Gunter says proudly. “Watching Eren grab the trunks by the base and yank with such precision then crunch them one by one is a truly astounding experience.”

“It was really enjoyable!” Petra adds. “I don’t mind doing this again.”

“Easy for you to say- you’re not the ones who ended up in his mouth. It was so sticky,” Auruo grouses.

“Yeah well, you gotta admit,” Gunter says, “The aftermath of all our troubles was just—“

“—Delicious,” Erd and Petra sigh collectively, before turning grateful eyes to Eren, who is looking down at the floor in a show of modesty. Auruo snorts, but it’s obviously a begrudging noise of agreement.

“Yeah, that’s about right,” Levi says, leaning against the wall and licking his lips, side-eyeing Erwin all the way. “Delicious.”

Erwin stares blankly at them for a moment, before taking a deep breath, and uttering the words, “Noted. You are all dismissed,” before turning around and shutting the door in their faces.

He  _doesn’t_  want to know.

*

 “Wait- I think I smell something.”

“What?”

“The smell of a dozen double entendres repeatedly assaulting Erwin’s psyche and the consequent crushing despair that results from it.”

The door slams open again, and they both turn to see their esteemed commander looking very much like a man who has stared into the abyss and found it winking back at him.

Hanji whistles. “Damn, you’re good.”

“Despair has a very unique scent,” Mike replies, and walks towards Erwin, throws an arm around his shoulders, and guides him to his chair. “Hanji, do you have the stuff?”

“I always have the stuff,” Hanji quips, and takes out four hip flasks from her bag, and placing one on Erwin’s desk, just as Mike gently pushes him down, and takes one flask for himself.  “Don’t worry Erwin, we got you.”

Erwin leans back against his chair, and opens the flask Hanji set before him. “You know, when I was a young boy, I only ever dreamed about becoming a humble lumberjack,” he says in a perfectly conversational tone, as he takes a few sips from the flask. It’s a testament to how discombobulated he is that he does not comment on the incapacitating strength of the brew, since Hanji’s pretty sure she gave Erwin the blend that Levi uses as a working substitute for sterilization purposes. “If I did that, I wouldn’t have to deal with this. I would’ve been  _happy_. Instead, you people happened to me.”

“We love you too,” Mike says soothingly, just as Levi quietly steps into the room.

Levi looks at the four flasks on the desk, the first of which is slowly getting drained by Erwin at an alarming rate, and snorts. “I figured as much.” 

“I have no idea what you did to make Erwin this way,” Hanji says, hands poised reproachfully on her hips. “But I am duty bound to tell you that you are an awful person.” And then she glances meaningfully in Mike’s direction.

Mike then proceeds to make another series of sign language motions behind Erwin’s back which literally translates to “let’s defenestrate the banana“ but what Levi and Hanji have long interpreted to be “But tell us later, so Hanji can write it down.”

Levi just says “Tch,” which could mean anything from “yeah whatever” to “fuck that, ask him yourself” because he’s a shitty bastard like that, and throws himself irreverently on Erwin’s couch.

“So,” he says, as he unscrews the flask Hanji hands him. “On a scale of _‘buzzed’_  to  _‘blitzed enough to out-angry Eren Jaeger,’_  how drunk do you want to get?”

Erwin makes a sign for bottoms up, and they all follow suit.

~fin~


End file.
